Getting BOTH Sides of the Coin...

Horrors!  I am getting older, (along with every other human on the planet!)  2016 will be one of those milestone years, and I am already considering how I would like to acknowledge/celebrate my continued existence on Earth.  Even though I am not enrolled in any formal school, I like to think that life is just one long string of learning experiences.  For the past few years, as anyone who may have taken a peek at some of my past writings/rants, I try for the most part to focus on the positive as a driving force.  I do believe that there is an energy about us in the world, and how we project and receive it does affect us.  I know when I am having shit thoughts, the whole day, and all the circumstances in it seem to go to pot.  An awesome thought is hard to shoot down, and let's just say the whole day goes a hell of a lot better!  I'm not saying everything in my life is peachy-keen, but overall, I have to admit I have it pretty good.  Pretty good is GOOD, but more and more I am wanting to make things better.  Not just for myself.  I actively try to seek out ways to make nice things happen for those around me.  So, no big deal to buy someone a coffee, share pizza, or give a car-less co-worker a ride home.  Some of this comes from personal experience, as I once spent a winter walking to town every day when I had no wheels.  If I was offered a "safe ride", you bet your boots I took it thankfully!  Other stuff is just consideration for others, if I am in need of a coffee, it's a pretty safe bet someone else would probably appreciate one too!

I just found and  posted a thoughtful meme on Facebook about people beating each other to get "stuff", when the day before they sat down to celebrate and be thankful for what they had.  If that's not irony, then I really don't know what is.  I admit some stuff is nice to have, and I admit, I enjoy my stuff (including this laptop I am using to type and post this.)  I also admit that I don't believe stuff trumps people.  I cannot fathom trampling and pushing another human being to score something on sale.  I keep referencing back to a note I posted on Facebook a couple of years ago, about how I could not believe some people's thought processes when getting ready to go to one of these big shopping events.  Why would anyone find it necessary to take weapons and pepper spray to pick up gifts for a holiday that is supposed to be about loving and giving?  More irony, I suppose?

I like to think that it is in our nature to be good to one another.  After all, humans need other humans to get through life.  Being miserable and unfair just makes life more unpleasant for everyone.  There is already so much we can't control, like the weather, time, and gravity to name a few.  I see so many examples of good when I see benefits and fundraisers for people caught in bad situations.  The good intentions are apparent when you see the speed with which these fundraisers are set up.  I cannot humanly help them all, but I do try to contribute to as many as I can.  What's a $1 here and there?  If enough souls do it too, there will be lots of $!

So on the topic of marking another milestone, I am wondering if I should find something to do for someone else, or a cause, or take some time to (selfishly, perhaps) celebrate me?  I think this is why I am considering it now, so I have some time to come up with something worthwhile.  In the meantime I am doing some research by reading an e-book that caught my interest called F*ck Feelings.  The synopsis I read in the article about it made it seem to be the other side of the coin to what I feel and believe.  I cannot be well-rounded if I only look at or believe one side of the coin exists.  The other side is there, even if I don't want to hear or see what it has to say or show.  I think that is a large part of the problem in the world, especially where religion is involved, that people tend to hold on so tight to their own beliefs and values, as if they are the only way.

I may not agree or subscribe to what's been said on the other side of the coin, but I still need to see what's there to at least learn from it, try to understand it, and what the hell--maybe even grow from it.  After all life is just one big long learning experience!    

Inebriated Mind Ranting

Straight up here, I have been partaking of the alcoholic beverages.  It is a Saturday night/Sunday morning.  I worked hard all week, suffered through a miserable "time of the month", and all of the usual crap that comes with being part of a "family."  The way I see it, this is my bitch and rant time.  Please keep in mind my usual state is too want to see the good side of the situation.  Sometimes that is just too damn hard!  I want to see the good in the world.  Sometimes though all I can see is the deceit, laziness, and racism the world has to offer.
  


This week I hear of Syrian refugees.  Should we be accepting these poor, maligned people from a war-torn region without screening the ever-living life out of them?  Or should we just stereo-typically say, "Hi-dee-ho, welcome to Canada, eh?"  I agree that many of them have probably endured more hardship and horror than the average Canadian would ever experience in their lifetime on this soil.  I also think, "Who the hell are we to judge another fellow human being's suffering or terror?"  

I don't think anyone should judge another human being based on his or her colouring, religious beliefs or hell, sexual orientation for that matter.  I have had the pleasure of meeting gay individuals, Muslims, and various other people not of the same mold as me.  One time I had an openly gay co-worker ask if I was okay with that.  My response was as long as she wasn't coming on to me, I had zero problem with her orientation.  She laughed and said, "I know you're straight."  The upshot?  No problem.  I feel the same way about religion.  As long as you are not pushing your beliefs on me, I have no right to pass judgement on what you believe.  As long as you afford me the same, we are good.
Honestly, I don't want everyone around me to agree with me, and think exactly the same way I do.  Where would be the variety, the spice of life, the chance to see from another perspective?  I find myself drawn to people more adventurous, more out-spoken, better educated than myself, as they add to my world, not take away from it, as some fear-mongers would have us believe.
This world would be a much better place if we looked upon each other in a more positive light.  I'm not saying there wouldn't be a few rotten apples in the barrel, but that doesn't mean you should throw out the entire barrel! 
I have often heard that much of the suffering and problems in our world have come about because of poor communication and misunderstanding.  I also think greed and indifference should be added to that list.  For myself, the world is such a big place, and despite all of our technology, there is a huge discrepancy in distribution of wealth and access to aforementioned technology.  Whilst I happily type this out on my (fairly) new laptop, peruse my up to the minute smartphone, and jam on a somewhat still relevant ipod, there are still places in the world where the people are not familiar with even the earlier generations of these electronic goodies.  Many of them suffer atrocities, hardship, and other obstacles of which I am blithely ignorant of.   I would be able to sympathize with their stories, as I could perhaps imagine what horrors they endured, I would not be able to empathize, having not been through the same ordeals and suffering.

The world has seen so much ugliness in past years.  Sadly it does not seem to get better.  Every time I hear of another shooting or conflict, I am thankful it does not directly affect me.  Then I think of the people involved, and I cannot imagine how they feel.  It may seem corny or mushy, but I cannot help but think, "Where's the love for our fellow man, people?"
It's sad that our world has been reduced to highlights of power grabs, greed, and corruption.
On a personal level, I am thinking that it is sad that I feel so repressed on a day-to-day basis to say what I really think.  I want to more freely love those around me without anyone thinking I have a hidden agenda.  If we all focused more on what and who we love, instead of the nasty word "hate," I bet the world would improve almost immediately.  A wise relative once told me that the opposite of love is not hate, rather it is indifference.  The older, (and hopefully, wiser) I get I see the truth in that statement.  When one is indifferent, no real emotions come into play.  Love is a strong and carrying emotion.  Hate, while seeming opposite to love is also a strong emotion.  Indifference is more a "meh...". Nothing gained, nothing lost.

Whilst occasional inebriation is good for inspiration, it's not practical to slam back a few anytime I want to delve deep.  I need to work on myself to bring what is important to the surface, instead of pushing it to the murky depths of my core.  It can't be out of sight, out of mind.  
So, to all of you out there in my life, thank you for being there on whatever level you are, and I love you all from some degree on the scale of 1-6.  Now I need to work on making sure you all know that for sure!   Thank you for bearing with me on a slightly tipsy rant.  It may not be the most cohesive and tight writing, but it is from the heart!       

Back to Routine Rant

Tomorrow marks the beginning of another school year, not being met with much enthusiasm in this household as usual.  This includes me.  For a night person getting up, and mustering the gumption to get a move on is painstaking. It doesn't help that not one of my three offspring are self-starters in the AM.  It takes multiple calls and checks to get everyone moving satisfactorily.  In the past I admit I have half-carried at least one kid to the car not fully dressed with the admonishment that all clothing should be on it's proper part by the time we arrive at the school.  I also admit I am not going to win parent of the year for attempting to retain my sanity by driving them the whole 1 km and change. My sanity is worth more than any accolades, so I will continue to do so!  This will be the second year of working mostly day shifts while they are at school, so I can further justify driving them, as it is on my way to work.

I chuckle at the whole getting back to a routine.  I am not one of the enviable ones who gets a long, languishing summer vacation along with the kids.  I continue to work during their break, often times working even more hours, as that is BUSY season at a hotel.  I aim to be as flexible as possible, working any shift that fits our specific dynamics.  I am classified as part-time, but anyone who has seen my time sheets for the past couple of months wouldn't believe it.  Sadly, it seems any extra moolah I made on those hours went right back out the door on going back to school. So to all of you who say, "Oh, you must be able to save a bit extra from doing the extra hours," I say, "Nope, life is always full of extra things to pay for!"  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity to work more, but it never quite translates into a significant windfall come payday.

I am hoping as we transition from summer, and the workload goes down a bit that I will be able to enjoy a pay-off of a different sort.  Time.  There is so much I want to do and accomplish, and having time while the other family members are doing their thing will be incredibly welcome.  Whoever spoke the lines about trying to get things done while family is underfoot is like trying to brush your teeth with cookies in your mouth, was really onto something.  I was looking forward to the kids relying less on me as they are getting older, but it seems I will need to be patient with that a bit longer.  I am still the Xbox controller battery changer, the electronics troubleshooter, the ATM, and whatever else the kids think I was put on this Earth to do.  I no longer have to dress or spoon feed anyone, but I still hear Mooommm! more often than I thought I would.  My oldest is starting his second to last year of elementary school, and the youngest is going into Grade 1.  It is going to be interesting hearing the daily tales of what the world of school will teach them each day.

So, yes in a way, it is back to a routine, not that we didn't have one before, but it will be a different routine, the one the school system imposes upon us. Now I will have another factor to schedule work times.  The point is, I have made it work for me before, and I will make it work again, or it will be time to find a new working solution.  As I like to point out to those with their 9-5, Monday to Friday jobs, good for you, but the world runs 24/7, and somebody needs to fill other time slots too!
Routine, welcome, lets's make it work!      

The Kicks Inside My Head...

I will start by saying I am grateful I have the opportunity to work all the hours I have in the past while, but I am also going to be honest and state that sometimes working more than intended cramps my life.  I had all kinds of plans for things I was going to get done, but the truth is, in the line of work I do, I am exhausted at the end of a work day.  All day I think about how much I will get done when I get home, and POW, end of day comes and I feel that all I could accomplish is to act like a mop and let someone wash the floor with me.  Working the night shifts is a different kettle of fish, but same outcome.  Too late to start messing around at 11:00, or whenever I finally manage to drag my butt back through the door.  I look at the huge pile of books I STILL haven't read, (although that pile will be welcome when winter hits!)

This evening, on a day off, between working a bunch of days, I dozed off after goofing around with various phone apps.  The strange thing was, I had a dream.  No, I didn't reinvent the wheel, rather it was the steering wheel.  I dreamed I was driving during the night on a winding road, but I had a steering wheel, that wasn't really a steering wheel.  In the mid position it was made in three parts, the idea being that it was easy to grip/hold comfortably.  I remember at one point manipulating the wheel counter-clockwise and the three parts locked together to make a large knob that one could rest their hands upon, yet still use with ease for cornering.  Taking this steering apparatus back through a clock-wise motion twice opened it up completely, almost like a flower head.  It seemed that this position allowed the most sensitive handling.  My sensation during the dream was that this was natural and that I was used to this, as I remember being able to completely concentrate on the road ahead of me, which was unfamiliar, yet I had no feeling that it was unpleasant journey or destination--just unknown.

So, even trying to take a little rest from the everyday, has me pondering.  What did it mean?  I wish I could have had a still or video from this dream, as it would have been intriguing to see what kind of contraption my mind cooked up.  Something integral to how I am steering is not usual.  Maybe my mind is telling me that I need to come up with a new, yet natural way to take control so I can drive (life) through the unknown (the dark, and winding road).

I wonder if the timing has something to do with a milestone coming up in the future.  It seems I take stock of where I am at the end of decade of living.  I know age is just us counting our lives in laps around the Sun, but society has a way of poking at us at certain milestones.  
I'm not complaining, all my original parts are still working tickety-boo!  I don't feel old, just a little weary with all the BS that accompanies life!  As I have mentioned multiple times in other posts, I am just looking for other directions to branch out into in some aspects of my life.  I was gung-ho about a volunteer opportunity, but had to put it on the back burner for the summer.  I can see a time when the kidlets will be old enough to allow me more time to do things that are important to/and for ME!   
I sometimes wonder if the dreams I have are a  reminder to keep the creativity and thought processes flowing, as it is all to easy to let the everyday drudgery of life make you stagnant.  Pay this, be on time for that. Obey this, Join the herd and do that.  

Maybe the next doze I take will give me some ideas about things to write about.  I still have an imagination, even if I am not a kid anymore, and I certainly should not be afraid to use it.  The more laps around the Sun I complete, the less concerned I find myself feeling what others will think.  I can write for a public audience, and I can write for myself.  Sometimes seeing my own deep buried thoughts out in print makes them more real or valid.  I tell myself short stories in my head for entertainment, so why not write them down?  I can't expect my bean to recall all the details that go into my personal storytelling.  
This post is leaving me feeling pumped to write out a short story I have been telling myself--who knows maybe it has potential to grow from there!               

Introspect Check

The great thing about being an avid reader is the number of passages, quotes, and snippets of useful advice I see, and try to soak up in the course of the day.  I could probably compile a book size collection of all the profound and quotable material I have mined in my reading career.  One that has stuck with me however was on a social media ad for A&E's Intervention, which I will admit was a guilty pleasure of mine for a time.  Somehow my problems in life seemed petty and insignificant after seeing what some of these tortured souls were sharing on the boob tube.  To get back to the quote, it went like this:  "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."  Hot damn!  This is what I HAVE been doing probably my whole life!  There it was, in black and white, neatly summed up.  The more I think on this subject, the more I think it is because of the fact that as previously mentioned, we have the three facets of ourselves. The one we dress up, put a smile on, and go out into the world to interact with. Next is the you that only your family and people you let get close to you, the ones that are like family.  They see and know more about you than the world at large.  Then there is the private you, the you, well, you have to live with 24/7, 365 days a year, for YEARS.  Hope you like YOU, as there is no escape!

To delve into the significance of the quote for MYSELF, through whatever building blocks made me ME, I have always been way too self-conscious. Call it e vanity or what have you, but to me it was a continuous barrage of what can I do to NOT stick out or shine?  Draw attention to myself? NO WAY IN HELL!
I have come to realize it has been about self-esteem.  The private me always thought everyone else around me must be better or more deserving.  It has only been in middle adulthood that I have now slammed the brakes on this line of thinking.  I can only move forward from here.  It won't do me any good to sit and mull over how things could have been different if I had stopped the runaway wagon years ago.
The private me can be a bitch sometimes, but I like to think the better parts of me prevail and kick ass.  I mentioned an entry or two back about the realization that I am more honest than I even believed.  I am starting to see that yes, like every other awesome person on the planet, I too have rocking attributes!

I am also seeing how there are multiple layers to any situation.  I may be steadfast in my belief I am 100% in my convictions, but I am only experiencing one perspective, that while it may be rig ht, I may in fact be no more right than someone seeing the situation from their own unique perspective.
Being human is unique in that we have interactions and relationships with other fellow humans around us, yet we can never completely agree or understand each other, even if we are all fundamentally the same. Our circles are complex, linked in some ways, and cut off or broken in others.
An example, I may consider People A-D my friends, yet Person B can't stand Person C, yet I have a link to both.  Person D may act like a neutral glue, the mediator of the circle, Person E may be C's best bud, but have nothing to do with anyone else in that particular circle.  We all have friends who have their own friends who have nothing to do with us.

A past me would have questioned the sanity of anyone who wanted anything to do with ME.  I failed to see what I could add to the equation.  At the same time I was/am grateful to the wonderful souls out there who were willing to look or dig a little deeper to see into the mire that was me. 
I am not saying I have done a 180 in the self-esteem department, as I like to say--I am a work in progress!
Having said that I believe I have come a long way, but there's still more journey in the crafting of myself.  Old habits and thought processes die slowly, or try to block the way, but at least now I am aware of them.The goal now is to try to be less knee-jerk in my judgements of myself and others.  We all know how easy it is to judge even when we don't have a great vantage point on the situation.

I end by noting, I am no expert, but I am merely pointing out what I have learned for myself in the experience we call LIFE. 

Inspiration to Embrace Change

It's inevitable, it's coming, it's change!  The only way to ever move through life.  Sometimes we embrace it willingly and feel completely in control. Other times it seems like a bunch of random, and scary events get pieced together to make some kind of new, uncharted direction for us to head in.  I have been looking for change to get me out of my well-worn rut, and while some of what is going on was very much unexpected, and out of the blue.  That's life, adding a dash of the spice of variety to keep us interested and tuned in.  Change seems more manageable when you will be experiencing it with others (misery loves company--just joking!)  Change is the recipe to get things moving and start new chapters for us.  It gives us something to look ahead to.
A small tweak for me tonight is that I'm piping my latest playlist into my noggin as I type, honestly can't think why I have not done this before, but I am going to see if it helps the creative process!  I have a good mix going on, so I won't get used to one tempo or genre while I am tapping away.

I have been buying into a philosophy that you get what you put in, back out.  I have been doing small "experiments"  with myself in certain situations lately.  Mostly it involves going with my intuitive first thought, and trying to not overthink.  I discovered I am more honest than I thought I was.  I guess Honesty Day really did ring true with me at a core level, it is a value I want to express more often.  Some of the truths I have uncovered at my centre have been acknowledged by myself, but for various reasons will have to be on the back burner for the time being.  Life is such a busy and rich experience that I cannot hope to address all of the little gems and nuggets I have mined from the depths of my being.  I have been toying with the idea of a separate blog to address matters from the heart and mind.  I have a notebook that has tons of ideas, and don't really want to hold back on them.  I am hoping by having change in certain aspects of my life, that it will enable me to see how changes elsewhere could also be beneficial.

A change I made for myself was getting a new phone and vehicle.  I have always gone with the sensible, reasonable choice when getting either of these two items.  This time around I wanted in on the ground floor of something new in the tech department, so bit the bullet and ordered the S6.  No regrets, and the fun of learning and using something new has been nothing but amazing.  In the past I would have "talked" myself out of it, thinking I don't need it, or it's for someone who makes more moolah than me.  In essence, I would have thought  I wasn't good enough to deserve it.  I work hard, I pay for my own fun,  to and me having the phone isn't hurting anyone else.  Hurray for me!
I had been telling myself that I was going to get another vehicle, as the one I had was serviceable, but truthfully, was too small for for my needs.  I bought it to be practical at that point in time.  The vehicle I kept finding myself attracted to was a fair bit bigger, and nicer, and more expensive.  Again, something inside me had always held me back.
Until the day I actually bought my current dream vehicle, I had never owned a vehicle with a price tag over $8,000.  I was always fearful I would not be able to afford it.  I could tell my frame of mind was different this time around, as I did not fret about getting financing, or anything of the sort.  My new to me vehicle was more than twice as much as the previous most expensive vehicle I had owned.
  
I was embracing change, and seeing how sweet it could be.  I'm hoping by making what seems like material or superficial changes it will inspire me to change more inside, and I think I am starting down that path.  I'm asking myself, why shouldn't I do things that make me happy?  After all, I am the only one responsible for me, and how I feel, so I am grabbing control of that.
Life is not meant to be lived by how others judge and dictate, and doing so is not living.  It is just following and trusting.  We all have our own journey to embark upon, and for myself I want to properly set out to do just that.  No justifications or explanations.  I just want to be inspired to see that change shouldn't be feared, it really can be good!     

The Fun of Technology...Out with the Old

I am taking preemptive action here, as I have decided that my faithful LG Optimus LTE has done it's duty to me for nearly three years.  It has been a great phone to me, mostly because it was more than a phone.  It took pictures and video, connected me to Facebook and all the other great places out there in the online world, allowed me to look up whatever stupid questions popped into my head, and I am sure it was capable of doing a multitude of other things that I just never got around to trying out or never really needed in the first place.  If it were a more popular model of phone I am sure it would serve me well for some time to come. 

Mobile phone companies would hate me for this, but I would probably be content to keep using my "obselete" device, but they make it far easier for me to just get a new one.  I had a hard time finding accessories for it, and in the past year, it was hard to source a battery for it locally.  I ended up having to get one ordered in.  Call me weak, but all the ads, and temptations, and offers from my carrier convinced me, that for just this once, I would get in on the ground floor of a popular model.  It will be welcome to just walk in a store and find a case, batteries or what have you without having to look for a salesperson.  I can remember some of the looks as I tried to tell them what model I was looking for accessories for.  Of course they never had anything in store.  The one time I did find a case, it wasn't quite the colour I wanted, so I ended up settling.

With the end of it's service life with me, I am now faced with getting all of my precious data off of my old phone.  I just found out I have over 1,000 photos on the phone, various other bits of data, contact lists, and apps.  It's going to be a blast trying to get it all to go where I want it, which for now has to be the hard drive on my laptop, as my new phone is still in transit, although I am assured it will be here mid-week.  As I sit here, I have one batch of photos uploading via Google Drive, but being a bit impatient, I think I will unmount the micro-SD card and transfer the rest of the stuff that way.  The way I see it is that this is yet another learning experience.  It never hurts to know more than one way to get something accomplished.  I may not be one of the young 'uns anymore, but I'm not too old to figure things out.  I find it mentally stimulating to play around with the gadgets to see what I can get from them.  My brain will probably be on pleasure over-load when the new phone arrives, and yes, I am going to take a selfie with it, probably as the last photo from old faithful Optimus LTE.  Makes me wonder what the future is going to hold for mobile devices.  Just like through history, one day I will be recounting the wonders of my day, and be told it is now old school, a relic.  I find it amusing to see computers from 30 years ago, that were state-of-the-art in their day, now merely technological dinosaurs of the past.  It is mind-blowing how quickly things become old technology.

A few personal examples shout out, like our ADSL modem which was considered a relic at the age of twelve, our satellite receiver at thirteen, and all the SD cards I have about that cost a small fortune at the time but are virtually useless today, because storage size has grown by leaps and bounds.  (I once gave away a SD card I paid $60 for new, because by the time I didn't really need it, the amount of storage it had was considered pitiful!)

I do not know immediately what I will do with my LG.  It still works, still does what a smartphone is supposed to do, but it definitely isn't worth the $630.00 price tag it came with initially.  I don't know if I should keep it, just in case, sell it for a few bucks, or find a way to recycle it.  My carrier says on their webpage that I should "pass it down,"  Not sure who I should pass it on to, so don't know if that will be an option.  All I know is that it isn't going anywhere until it has given up every last byte of info I have put into it!
After all if there is one thing technology has taught me, it is that you can never be too careful with your data!

In closing, I salute you LG-P935.  Thanks for making my wireless life so easy and fun for the past three years!      

Getting Pumped for "H" Day!

Looking back at the previous topics I have chosen to dwell upon, I am seeing a pattern.  Gratitude, pondering on dreams and overall wanting to be in a better place in my own mind and life.  I read once that we all have our three faces in life:  Our public face that we show to the world and everyone around us, our personal face that we reserve for those closer to us, in our own circles, and family, and our third face, our private one.  The one that is truly our own, who we are inside.  The private side of us can be very critical and bowed by outside pressures and influences.  After much thought, it has become apparent to me that another continuing theme in my life is that I have continued to allow fear or uncertainty rule my direction.  Imagine how much easier life would be if the mental road signs just popped up in front of the thoughts in your mind, saying, "THIS WAY IS RIGHT,"  and "NO WAY IN HELL, MAN!"  Life is not like that, though, and it is probably for the best that it isn't, as we would never experiment and learn anything.  So often I get a (wonderful) idea, but then for whatever reasons and excuses I come up with, it just sits and simmers like a forgotten pot of soup.  I may not let the "soup" completely dry up, but it ends up sitting there as a fraction of what it was in the beginning, and when I do get back to it, it doesn't seem quite so wonderful anymore.  It's like I lose my appetite for it, so to speak!

 I do share some of what is private thought in my mind, but it's not likely I would ever completely drain myself of all private thoughts through writing.  I have to keep some of the kooky, off-the-wall thoughts to myself for entertainment.  I am working though on dredging some of the better thoughts I have from the murky depths to put them into action.  Sometimes forcing myself to take the first step is what will get the pistons of action firing.  After all, I have done it before, and I will do it again.  My current good thought is going to hopefully help me make some decisions.  Much as I love the people and the job I do, I am starting to feel as if it is just not the best fit for me anymore.  I found a volunteer opportunity that would allow me to do something to help others, and at the same time help myself to see if it is a field I would be interested in getting more training in and getting paid to do.  Volunteering will allow me to try my skills and interests with less of  the F-word (fear).

Now what is "H" day?  One day I was poking around online, doing a bit of personal research, when it suddenly popped into my head that we have days dedicated to all kinds of awareness and interests, and it came to me that I wanted to know if anyone had thought to have a "Honesty" Day.  One that was geared towards awareness of self-honesty, as I'm sure we're all great in the denial department.  It's easy to just tell yourself all kinds of things, because, who is going to call you out on it?

I popped it into a Google search and came back with yes, it had been thought of, actually initially for a literary project.  The writer thought about what would be the best day to contemplate honesty, and decided that as April Fool's with the joking, pranks and light-hearted fun was on the 1st of the month, what better way to end April than with being honest?  Hence Honesty Day, for those who wish to observe it, is April 30th.  (As I am writing this, the 30th of April is EXACTLY one month away--so apt!)  I didn't find out about Honesty Day until after this date last year, but I decided the idea was something I could put my heart into, and so I plan to observe "H" day this year.  I have already put some thought into what I might want to do to mark the occasion.  On (haha) April Fool's, I am going to speak with the coordinator of the program I want to volunteer for, so that will be my start.  I plan to write some things about what I honestly need to work on, and what I hope being honest with myself will accomplish.

I want to rid myself of the feelings of indecision, throw out any thoughts of regret, and figuratively jump into the right river and let its flow take me where I am supposed to go.  The way I see it, I have nothing to lose by being honest with myself.  After all, I am the one who has to live with myself, so it's time I started making sure I am really the one calling the shots.  I am ready to start sending (and receiving) on a higher frequency.

I will end this post by saying that for years of my life I was wrought with so much indecision because I did not think I was worthy of anything good, or deserving of things that would add to my happiness.  I would never speak up, because oops, that might rock the boat, and holy jeez, I'll just fall in!  I know now I deserve good in life as much as anyone else, without taking anything away from anyone else.
I am ready to have a productive and freeing day April 30th!  Looking forward to it! 

The Flow of things...

Taking a look around, I see I have been neglecting to post anything new.  Oops and damn. I could sit to write a slew of (reasonable) excuses as to why this is, but instead I will focus on the fact that I have a nice, new to me device to write my natterings on!  I loved the laptop I used to use, my through abuse and time it was getting harder to use it.  My impulsive son accidentally cracked the screen eons ago, and as the cost to replace it was prohibitive, I made do by connecting the laptop to a flat screen monitor.  It was a solution, but not a practical one, as it made the laptop a lot less portable with the tether!  My youngest made a game of prying the key covers off of the letters.  I knew which letters, but it made the whole typing experience inconsistent.  My fingers would be tapping along, and would suddenly drop whenever W, E, G, C, & V were involved.  My only solace at the retirement of my Acer is that all it's innards are still working, and I am sure my computer guy will mine out whatever can be re-used or recycled.  That's my next project, taking all of my electronic baggage from the now  former Acer and loading it into this one!  I will be doing an e-cleaning of sorts, deciding what crap is really worthy of being brought over.  I already e-mailed myself my work in progress (Terminal 125). I need notes and outlines of the numerous other ideas my mind has cooked up for me to work on.  I also have tons of music files, some stuff that was hard enough to track down the first time.  All the newer stuff can be imported (thanks, iTunes!) Photos are another huge item, as I have years worth that have been moved from system to system.  Who needs photo albums anymore?  Just keep them on the hard drive and retrieve them for viewing whenever.

I am hoping I can now get into the flow of things.  It is amazing how much more I believe I can accomplish now that I have the right device.  I can do some things from my smartphone, but writing out anything longer than a paragraph would be logistical nightmare. Not sure if I even have the storage space to attempt that!  I have been putting a bit more time and effort into getting Terminal 125 finished.  The idea was rooted in an unfinished dream I had.  I am now trying to get an ending to finish it.  I have at least three more big ideas I would like to put some time and attention into.  It is again, all about getting myself back into the flow of things.  I have also been looking for something I can do for a fuzzy feel good!  My last big effort was just a little too long ago for my liking.  To that end I have taken a first step and sent an e-mail to the local community services about the possibility of volunteering in a literacy or ESL capacity.  They have stated that experience isn't necessary, just a willingness to learn and commitment of time and personal knowledge.  I think my hesitance to offer my services stemmed from the thought that I had no real experience to offer.  If the community services folks are willing to take me as is, then what the hell, I"m in!  It may be a cool way to meet new people, and I am sure I am going to learn just as much as anyone I may help.    

I admit I always thought I was content in my little rut.  After all life is flowing along okay.  I have no real hardships:  I have the roof over my head, the job to go to, enough to eat, and so on, and so forth.  I realize that I have to do more for me to allow myself to see what I am really made of.  It is easy to have good thoughts and intentions.  Putting those into a kinetic state takes focus and energy to get things rolling.  I no longer wish to be fearful or apprehensive of the unknown.  I want to try something different to gain another perspective.
I also hope that in the course of working on my various writings that my research will lead me down other interesting paths.  (After all, my characters aren't me, so I will need to learn things so I can write more realistically about their adventures, plights, and experience.)

To skeptics, go ahead and scoff, but two or three years ago, I did an online chart of my life and let the website do their "calculations".   According to the read-out, I did not have luck and prosperity on my side during that phase of my life.  It told me that starting in 2015, all that was going to change and that I would then have luck and prosperity on my side for the rest of my life!  My response at that time was one of --from what perspective?  I could think of several instances where I felt prosperous and lucky.  I decided then that if my life was a have-not at that point, then changing my perspective, being in tune with the frequencies I was emitting and receiving, maybe this whole luck and prosperity thing really was just a matter of taking the right perspective.  This is where I am now.