Getting Pumped for "H" Day!

Looking back at the previous topics I have chosen to dwell upon, I am seeing a pattern.  Gratitude, pondering on dreams and overall wanting to be in a better place in my own mind and life.  I read once that we all have our three faces in life:  Our public face that we show to the world and everyone around us, our personal face that we reserve for those closer to us, in our own circles, and family, and our third face, our private one.  The one that is truly our own, who we are inside.  The private side of us can be very critical and bowed by outside pressures and influences.  After much thought, it has become apparent to me that another continuing theme in my life is that I have continued to allow fear or uncertainty rule my direction.  Imagine how much easier life would be if the mental road signs just popped up in front of the thoughts in your mind, saying, "THIS WAY IS RIGHT,"  and "NO WAY IN HELL, MAN!"  Life is not like that, though, and it is probably for the best that it isn't, as we would never experiment and learn anything.  So often I get a (wonderful) idea, but then for whatever reasons and excuses I come up with, it just sits and simmers like a forgotten pot of soup.  I may not let the "soup" completely dry up, but it ends up sitting there as a fraction of what it was in the beginning, and when I do get back to it, it doesn't seem quite so wonderful anymore.  It's like I lose my appetite for it, so to speak!

 I do share some of what is private thought in my mind, but it's not likely I would ever completely drain myself of all private thoughts through writing.  I have to keep some of the kooky, off-the-wall thoughts to myself for entertainment.  I am working though on dredging some of the better thoughts I have from the murky depths to put them into action.  Sometimes forcing myself to take the first step is what will get the pistons of action firing.  After all, I have done it before, and I will do it again.  My current good thought is going to hopefully help me make some decisions.  Much as I love the people and the job I do, I am starting to feel as if it is just not the best fit for me anymore.  I found a volunteer opportunity that would allow me to do something to help others, and at the same time help myself to see if it is a field I would be interested in getting more training in and getting paid to do.  Volunteering will allow me to try my skills and interests with less of  the F-word (fear).

Now what is "H" day?  One day I was poking around online, doing a bit of personal research, when it suddenly popped into my head that we have days dedicated to all kinds of awareness and interests, and it came to me that I wanted to know if anyone had thought to have a "Honesty" Day.  One that was geared towards awareness of self-honesty, as I'm sure we're all great in the denial department.  It's easy to just tell yourself all kinds of things, because, who is going to call you out on it?

I popped it into a Google search and came back with yes, it had been thought of, actually initially for a literary project.  The writer thought about what would be the best day to contemplate honesty, and decided that as April Fool's with the joking, pranks and light-hearted fun was on the 1st of the month, what better way to end April than with being honest?  Hence Honesty Day, for those who wish to observe it, is April 30th.  (As I am writing this, the 30th of April is EXACTLY one month away--so apt!)  I didn't find out about Honesty Day until after this date last year, but I decided the idea was something I could put my heart into, and so I plan to observe "H" day this year.  I have already put some thought into what I might want to do to mark the occasion.  On (haha) April Fool's, I am going to speak with the coordinator of the program I want to volunteer for, so that will be my start.  I plan to write some things about what I honestly need to work on, and what I hope being honest with myself will accomplish.

I want to rid myself of the feelings of indecision, throw out any thoughts of regret, and figuratively jump into the right river and let its flow take me where I am supposed to go.  The way I see it, I have nothing to lose by being honest with myself.  After all, I am the one who has to live with myself, so it's time I started making sure I am really the one calling the shots.  I am ready to start sending (and receiving) on a higher frequency.

I will end this post by saying that for years of my life I was wrought with so much indecision because I did not think I was worthy of anything good, or deserving of things that would add to my happiness.  I would never speak up, because oops, that might rock the boat, and holy jeez, I'll just fall in!  I know now I deserve good in life as much as anyone else, without taking anything away from anyone else.
I am ready to have a productive and freeing day April 30th!  Looking forward to it! 

The Flow of things...

Taking a look around, I see I have been neglecting to post anything new.  Oops and damn. I could sit to write a slew of (reasonable) excuses as to why this is, but instead I will focus on the fact that I have a nice, new to me device to write my natterings on!  I loved the laptop I used to use, my through abuse and time it was getting harder to use it.  My impulsive son accidentally cracked the screen eons ago, and as the cost to replace it was prohibitive, I made do by connecting the laptop to a flat screen monitor.  It was a solution, but not a practical one, as it made the laptop a lot less portable with the tether!  My youngest made a game of prying the key covers off of the letters.  I knew which letters, but it made the whole typing experience inconsistent.  My fingers would be tapping along, and would suddenly drop whenever W, E, G, C, & V were involved.  My only solace at the retirement of my Acer is that all it's innards are still working, and I am sure my computer guy will mine out whatever can be re-used or recycled.  That's my next project, taking all of my electronic baggage from the now  former Acer and loading it into this one!  I will be doing an e-cleaning of sorts, deciding what crap is really worthy of being brought over.  I already e-mailed myself my work in progress (Terminal 125). I need notes and outlines of the numerous other ideas my mind has cooked up for me to work on.  I also have tons of music files, some stuff that was hard enough to track down the first time.  All the newer stuff can be imported (thanks, iTunes!) Photos are another huge item, as I have years worth that have been moved from system to system.  Who needs photo albums anymore?  Just keep them on the hard drive and retrieve them for viewing whenever.

I am hoping I can now get into the flow of things.  It is amazing how much more I believe I can accomplish now that I have the right device.  I can do some things from my smartphone, but writing out anything longer than a paragraph would be logistical nightmare. Not sure if I even have the storage space to attempt that!  I have been putting a bit more time and effort into getting Terminal 125 finished.  The idea was rooted in an unfinished dream I had.  I am now trying to get an ending to finish it.  I have at least three more big ideas I would like to put some time and attention into.  It is again, all about getting myself back into the flow of things.  I have also been looking for something I can do for a fuzzy feel good!  My last big effort was just a little too long ago for my liking.  To that end I have taken a first step and sent an e-mail to the local community services about the possibility of volunteering in a literacy or ESL capacity.  They have stated that experience isn't necessary, just a willingness to learn and commitment of time and personal knowledge.  I think my hesitance to offer my services stemmed from the thought that I had no real experience to offer.  If the community services folks are willing to take me as is, then what the hell, I"m in!  It may be a cool way to meet new people, and I am sure I am going to learn just as much as anyone I may help.    

I admit I always thought I was content in my little rut.  After all life is flowing along okay.  I have no real hardships:  I have the roof over my head, the job to go to, enough to eat, and so on, and so forth.  I realize that I have to do more for me to allow myself to see what I am really made of.  It is easy to have good thoughts and intentions.  Putting those into a kinetic state takes focus and energy to get things rolling.  I no longer wish to be fearful or apprehensive of the unknown.  I want to try something different to gain another perspective.
I also hope that in the course of working on my various writings that my research will lead me down other interesting paths.  (After all, my characters aren't me, so I will need to learn things so I can write more realistically about their adventures, plights, and experience.)

To skeptics, go ahead and scoff, but two or three years ago, I did an online chart of my life and let the website do their "calculations".   According to the read-out, I did not have luck and prosperity on my side during that phase of my life.  It told me that starting in 2015, all that was going to change and that I would then have luck and prosperity on my side for the rest of my life!  My response at that time was one of --from what perspective?  I could think of several instances where I felt prosperous and lucky.  I decided then that if my life was a have-not at that point, then changing my perspective, being in tune with the frequencies I was emitting and receiving, maybe this whole luck and prosperity thing really was just a matter of taking the right perspective.  This is where I am now.