Oneiric Musings...

I will admit it--I like to expand my vocabulary.  One of the courses I took at the local college after high school was called "Becoming a Master Student."  (I still have the textbook, in chapters in folders, in my filing cabinet).  One of the main things I remember from the course all those years ago was the lesson entitled, "Reading with a dictionary in your lap"  While this is not entirely practical--my dictionary is a hefty thing!  I still follow the spirit of the advice, while reading I will take note of an unfamiliar word or phrase and write it down for looking up.  I like to think I am a good enough reader that I can with hints from the context, guess or surmise the meaning of the word in question.  Still, I do check to ascertain that I did indeed comprehend the meaning.  I found a couple of words in the last book I read; obdurate, and lacustrine.  While looking up the former I came upon the word oneiric, and discovered the perfect word to describe what I want to muse about in this entry...Dreams, and dreaming.  Hang on, it could be a wild ride--thanks for bearing with me.

I have given this much thought over the years and have to admit, dreaming is an important part of who I am.  Unlike some tribes I have heard about, I do not think I can control my dream content or direction.  The only exception seems to be if I am about to be done harm, I can feel myself fighting through the layers of sleep to wake up, where I lay, consider the nocturnal cinema I just experienced, and decide if it bothered me enough to stay awake or try to go back to sleep.  Mostly time will pass, and I will eventually drift off again, not to be bothered by a continuation of the dream I was experiencing.  Occasionally I will have a dream that was disturbing enough that I will fully wake and have to ponder the message.  Not every dream I have is trying to tell me something.  I know some of them are so discombobulated and bizzare, that I take them at face value and enjoy them for entertainment sake.  I have dreams that don't need to be analyzed or thought through as the story plays out on the surface for me to see.  Some of these are entertaining at the time, but during waking hours I will realize that I have strong feelings about what happened, even if it was totally ficticious.  Case in point, I had a dream that involved a happy event and people I knew.  In the dream everything was hunky-dory, peachy-keen, but it was immediately upon waking I found myself feeling incredibly PISSED OFF!  I couldn't really see why--it was a dream, it didn't really happen, and I can say I am pretty sure it never will happen, so why the angry reaction?  All I can think is that some element of the dream hit a nerve deeper in my consciousness, but again it was fiction, created by my own brain, and honestly, even if the events had really occurred, would have been none of my beeswax!

My dreams are somewhat unique in that I can recall so much detail from them and the fact that I dream in colour.  I have been told by a Dr. that not many people truly dream in Technicolour.  My colours are vivid and memorable, and often times they are a contributing element I have to consider if I am deciphering a complex dream.  My family listened for years while I was growing up--as I would share the nocturnal shenanigans that took place in my head!  My aunt asked me if I would be interested in talking to a doctor she worked with.  This doctor was an anesthesiologist, and she was interested in the subject of dreaming, which made sense to me as her job was putting people to sleep.  I agreed and she came by to have a discussion on the topic.  I started by telling her that I had tried using a dream encyclopedia and other such books to try to extrapolate some coherent meaning, but that they often left me feeling even more baffled.  I can remember her saying "Let me guess--all your dreams end up looking like they are all sexual in nature?"  Exactly!  I was all of 16 at the time, so it seemed highly doubtful that every element in my dream was going to have a sexual meaning or connotation.  There were other things going on in my life that the dreams were a lot more likely to be representations of. 

Dr. was quick to go on to say ditch the books and use the technique of breaking down the dream into individual elements and then by personal association, figure out what each of the elements stands for or represents.  The use of this technique would give me the clearest personal interpretation of my dream.  The rest of our conversation involved me telling her some of my more memorable dreams through the years.  She walked me through interpreting some of the dreams that were more recent or baffling as I could compare what was really going on in my life to what the dream may have been trying to tell me.  It was a worthwhile conversation, and I still use the technique she suggested if I have a way-out there dream that does not make any sense in a literal way.  Some of my dreams have provided me with suggestions or resolutions, but some have actually scared me away from doing something I thought I really wanted to do.

I don't have the time to pick apart each and every dream I have anymore, but occasionally my gut will tell me I need to sit down and give a dream the attention it deserves.  In the next part |I will tell a dream-story, and then I will pick it apart by the elements and show a conclusion.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

to be continued....      

Acting My Shoe Size--or So...

I have to admit, I have my doubts about some attributes horoscopes claim those born under the sign of Leo possess.  I do not much care for the limelight, or the "Look at me!" philosophy.  The reverse is often true for me at least.  Do stuff in the shadows of darkness, don't call attention to yourself.  I often feel awkward in my own skin and I have been in it long enough that I shouldn't.  I could probably write a whole entry on "Awkward," but that will be another time, perhaps with the addition of liquid courage to explore the question of "Why?"  I digress.  The one Leo attribute I will agree fits me is the ability to tap into my inner child.  I am fascinated and entertained by simple things--not that I am a simple person.  I deal with enough complexities in my everyday life that I find getting back to the basics is refreshing.  I sometimes wonder if I should have been born in another time.  I still find the concept that an airplane can get me several hundred kilometres in less than two hours fascinating, especially when the same distance traveled in the car would take an entire day.  No patience, not going to do it!  Again, I digress!

I can find simple pleasure in watching the dryer tumble the clothes over and over again.  I admit to holding down the lever in the old washer to watch the spin cycle, and seeing all the clothes spin together, the colours blending and swirling together, thinking the agitator vane was rotating so fast it looked like it was going to fly off!   

Having kids helps my entertainment options.  I can justify my goof-offs as having fun with them, which I do.  We discovered due to a minor malfunction that we could watch the dryer tumble with the door open.  It was hilarious watching some of the smaller items like socks fly out as the drum turned.  No problem, throw them back in!  Ditto for the dryer balls.  They would fly out after one or two revolutions.  Throw 'em back, wait for them to fly out again, the kids loved it, and in a way I too was mildly entertained.

Playgrounds just for kids?  No way in hell man!  Kids are a great way to enjoy the playground during daylight hours, but if you are adventurous they can be for adults after dark when the kidlets are asleep.  I am fortunate enough to have had like-minded friends join me for late night capers at the local playground. Two (or three) of us swinging as high as we can, proclaiming ourselves "swingers" no, not the other sense of the word--sorry.  Of course some of these shenanigans were helped by an adult ingredient.  We weren't drunk, just a little "buzzed" and having some harmless fun.  In essence, we were acting our shoe size, (which for me is about 8 or 9).

Having others to share in the juvenile fun is great for laughs and for later discussion.

Other times though it is just as appropriate to enjoy the simple things on your own.  I love watching wiener roast fires, tossing stuff in to burn--nothing dangerous obviously!  After all I'm enjoying it like a kid--not as an idiot!

Other examples for me include making videos of things others may find mundane, like taking off, flying, and landing in a plane.  Nothing like having the video to help you relieve the experience.  This is why like the kid I am, I always try to get a window seat on any flights I take.

Speaking of video, having a magnetic tripod has been great!  I can mount the camera in weird places and take video of it, like when I mounted it on the side of the car and drove down 3rd Ave.  Lots of wind noise, but a cool angle achieved with both hands on the wheel!  Next project will entail the camera on the roof--hoping a certain person will do some spin-outs and other um stunts for my viewing pleasure?

Another game of sorts I take pleasure in was introduced to me by my late maternal grandfather.  He was an awesome guy, super smart and great sense of humour.  We would indulge in Associations.  The object was to start with some simple word or phrase and without over-thinking, write down or blurt out what you associated that word/phrase with.  Done solo it could be interesting and revealing to follow your word trail to see where it would take you.  Often times I would end up a long, long way off from the word or idea I started with.  Done with others, it was amazing the twists and turns the "associations" would take, as they were coming from different thoughts and perspectives.

So, this is my acting my shoe size, in a nutshell.  I could probably think of many others, but then this would just become a ramble.  Excuse me now, I think I may just indulge in a solo Associations, and see where it takes me--it may just be a topic for another entry!       

Gratitude

No, I'm not beating a hasty retreat from this life--at least as far as I know!  It's just so often though that I hear of folks who regret not showing or sharing their gratitude when they had the chance.  It may not be a big thing, but I TRY to let those around me know when I appreciate something that has been done for me.  Maybe I worry about the little things, but I do feel bad if I forget to say, "Thank You," out loud (or on paper), because within the confines of my secret noggin, I am thinking those words, having that thought.  I try very hard not to have high expectations of anyone else, as I know everyone's values differ.  Sometimes I can tell by someone's actions they are grateful--and that is enough for me.  Anyhow, thinking about gratitude in general:  Who wants to be thanked or appreciated?  Even though there is no one in the room with me as I type this, I suspect if there were a roomful, every hand would be up right now--well, at least just about every hand.  And why not?  The act of being grateful is not an act of weakness.  It is an act of compassion, of caring, and communication.  Whoa, lots of alliteration there!  To get to my point, whether giving or receiving--gratitude has a lot going for it.  Giving it tells a person or party you validate and appreciate their thoughts, efforts, or actions, and that it meant enough to you that you felt the need to share this feeling with them.  Now speaking only from my own personal experience, when someone feels the need to express gratitude to me for something I have said, done, given, or suggested--I find myself thinking from just a simple exclamation of  "Wow, that made a difference, and it wasn't hard to make it happen, so right on!"  all the way up to a chemically pleasing response in my brain that I can only assume is akin to some drugs available out there that some poor folks overdose on.  A natural high if you will!

I will make no secret of it here folks--I hate confrontations, especially the negative sort.  Carrying around negative, nasty emotions is generally not good for one's health--mentally or physically.  If I have learned anything in my three plus decades on this Earth, it is that despite best efforts you are going to have to deal with people who may have less than stellar ambitions for your mental well-being.  I would like to think I am an optimist at heart, even though I know some outcomes can't really be anything but negative.  My solution for my own sanity and soul is to just be grateful for the things I can be.  Sometimes it is just as simple as that, and other times it takes a lot of mental wrangling to self-determine if I even am grateful!
So here goes--sometimes just saying "Thank You," in a sincere tone is enough, other times it wouldn't even scratch the surface of my appreciation.  I don't think I'm crossing the line giving gifts to show my gratitude.  I wouldn't ever "expect" it of anyone else--I do it because the the simple reason is I want to--it is who I am, (and don't try to change me!)   Personally I detest when expectation and gratitude come together--not a pretty combination as far as I'm concerned!  If I do something really nice for someone, I have generally done it because I want to, and therefore have no expectation.  If I do "expect", I generally find I am disappointed, which generally negates the good feeling I have about the deed in the first place.  Not exactly a win-win situation.  I like making my brain feel good, after all-- it is the master control room, and should be rewarded.  This in turn is what fuels my motivation to be grateful.  I won't tell the story here, but I have done things for no material reward, in fact in hindsight, it seems crazy to have taken on, but I have done them purely for the warm fuzzy feeling that spreads throughout the electrical connections of my neurons.  Getting thanked for such a deed becomes icing on the cake, and allows me to ride the good vibration wave even longer.  In fact I have now become grateful for something I have done AT the same time others are expressing their gratitude to me for having done said deed.  Double whammy for the gray matter upstairs!

I guess in summary I should just say I have found being grateful works for me.  Now I'm no saint, I'm not grateful 100% of the time, yes, I slip and forget to say thank you--maybe I go overboard on expressing gratitude occasionally, but, I do wonder if I can be GRATEFUL that many of the good things in my life are due to just that!  So, I end with Thank You to everyone in my life who makes me smile, feel loved, worthwhile, and important.  I once again feel grateful, and boy, does it feel great!